Redline

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Hey bloggy.  It’s been a while.  I just haven’t had the motivation, drive, and desire to log my races…or my life.  October was a bit rough, and I’m really crossing my fingers for a smooth November, even though I’m inching closer to my mid 30’s.  It’s amazing how fast time actually goes by, and even more amazing that I am kind of OK at riding bikes now.

My health has been hanging in the balance for a little while, and I’m slowly on the mend.  I have a few more tests results to come my way, then I will know what the next step is.  For now?  I wait.  My mind has definitely taken off with what “could be” and of course, I have worried myself to death.  I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to inherit my mother’s illness.  Any one of them.  All of them.  I strive to be as far from this as I can…every day.

I had a few good weekends of ‘cross racing, making my way to the podium (something I never envisioned to happen this season), and I made the decision to catup.  NCCX Charlotte was my first Pro 1/2/3 race.  I suffered more that day, mentally and physically, than I ever have before.  I managed to make it to the truck before I fell apart in a puddle of tears and shame.  I knew I had no chance of staying with the big girls, but actually experiencing it was a different level of disappointment all-together.  I pouted and acted like a little bitch for the rest of the day.  And that was my first “big girl race”.

I managed to finish 4th overall in the MSG women’s 3/4 race this past weekend.  I was 2nd in the 3’s.  I felt fast and smooth.

Sunday was my second Pro 1/2/3 race.  It hurt.  A lot.  I sucked.  A lot.  I pulled my quad on the run-up.  I almost quit…again.  I was dead fucking last.  For the first time in my ‘cross racing history…I WAS LAST PLACE.

 

I cried.  Of course.  But this time I cried for a different reason.  I cried because I gave everything I had in that race.  I wanted so much more out of my body, but there was nothing left.  I barely made it to the end.  That is, in my opinion, a much better reason to cry about bike racing.

At least I get to race with those chicks.  I could still be racing 4’s and not getting better.  I could still be racing 4’s and giving myself the false feeling of being good at bikes.   I could still be racing 4’s and not giving EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY HAVE.

 

There’s something rewarding about going as hard as you can…and not dying.

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