Hey bloggy. It’s been a while. I just haven’t had the motivation, drive, and desire to log my races…or my life. October was a bit rough, and I’m really crossing my fingers for a smooth November, even though I’m inching closer to my mid 30’s. It’s amazing how fast time actually goes by, and even more amazing that I am kind of OK at riding bikes now.
My health has been hanging in the balance for a little while, and I’m slowly on the mend. I have a few more tests results to come my way, then I will know what the next step is. For now? I wait. My mind has definitely taken off with what “could be” and of course, I have worried myself to death. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to inherit my mother’s illness. Any one of them. All of them. I strive to be as far from this as I can…every day.
I had a few good weekends of ‘cross racing, making my way to the podium (something I never envisioned to happen this season), and I made the decision to catup. NCCX Charlotte was my first Pro 1/2/3 race. I suffered more that day, mentally and physically, than I ever have before. I managed to make it to the truck before I fell apart in a puddle of tears and shame. I knew I had no chance of staying with the big girls, but actually experiencing it was a different level of disappointment all-together. I pouted and acted like a little bitch for the rest of the day. And that was my first “big girl race”.
I managed to finish 4th overall in the MSG women’s 3/4 race this past weekend. I was 2nd in the 3’s. I felt fast and smooth.
Sunday was my second Pro 1/2/3 race. It hurt. A lot. I sucked. A lot. I pulled my quad on the run-up. I almost quit…again. I was dead fucking last. For the first time in my ‘cross racing history…I WAS LAST PLACE.
I cried. Of course. But this time I cried for a different reason. I cried because I gave everything I had in that race. I wanted so much more out of my body, but there was nothing left. I barely made it to the end. That is, in my opinion, a much better reason to cry about bike racing.
At least I get to race with those chicks. I could still be racing 4’s and not getting better. I could still be racing 4’s and giving myself the false feeling of being good at bikes. I could still be racing 4’s and not giving EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY HAVE.
There’s something rewarding about going as hard as you can…and not dying.