I can’t sit here and conjure up some entertaining story about how disappointed I was after the NCCX opener. There’s no build up. No punch line. No inspirational tale of how amazing bike racing is. You know why? Because it can’t be amazing all the time. That’s just how life works.
So now I am descending. Not sure for how long. It’s curvy, and scary, and I’m white-knuckled. I don’t like it…but it, too, must come to an end. EVENTUALLY.
I had a pretty rough week leading up to NCCX Charlotte. I never do well on recovery weeks, mentally OR physically, and the added pressure of racing my first “big girl race” didn’t help. I’ve also been dealing some pretty serious health issues…so I felt like shit this week. Not ready to race a bike with a bunch of 1’s and 2’s.
The race. I had a great start, but fizzled out in the first lap. My legs never showed up, so I got stuck in my own head. I crashed 3 or 4 times, mainly because I was rushing myself to make up time. I felt like a scalded rabbit. My heart began to break. I tried to fight for 14th place (out of 16 women), but I didn’t have the legs. The sand pit was my only saving grace. I killed that shit. Fuck you, sand.
I ended up 15/16. I placed 16/27 in Charlotte last year, granted, that was a CX4. After watching the 4’s race yesterday, it became very clear to me that I don’t belong there anymore. But I don’t feel like I belong in the pro 1/2/3 either.
So I have to earn it. More than that, I have to believe in MYSELF. I can have all the support in the world (AND I DO!), but until I believe, there’s no point of getting on that bike.