I don’t even know what that is…

I may not be very religious, don’t believe in ghosts, think magic is stupid…but I do believe things happen for a reason.  Recently, my past has crept up into my present.  The thoughts, the doubts, all the pain I once experienced is burning inside me again.  I have been reliving a lot of things I’d rather not, but know in my soul that it may be the only way to properly heal.  I have been having nightmares, night sweats, no appetite.  I haven’t been feeling my best, in spite of staying true to my cycling workouts and healthy eating (when I actually feel like eating).  Add the stress of being unemployed, and I’m finding it hard to keep a smile on my face.  But I do.

My mother gave me so many things to be grateful for.  And nothing has taught me more about myself than her passing.  I find it difficult to navigate through life’s rough patches, though, because she was my North Star.  I looked to her when I got lost.  She was the only person on this earth who truly understood me, and didn’t judge me for the things I believed to be true.  When there was no one else, she was my rock.  Even when we had a blowout and our relationship was rocky, she found a way to have compassion for her little girl when the world wasn’t so nice.

And now…  well, I guess I keep a lot of it inside.  But maybe I can use it as fuel.

I came across a few photos of someone this morning.  He is apparently getting married.  Could have been me.  OOF.  He was responsible for crushing my entire world in a matter of seconds.  A relationship built on lies, fear, and dependency.  For a moment, we called it “love”.  We talked about marriage, houses, and the rest of our lives together.  All that blah girlie bullshit we’re made to dream about.  I think he was more of a rebound, though.  He was something tangible, although I adamantly rejected his attempts at wooing me in the beginning.

So I gave in…”fell in love”…gave up everything I cherished…and lost myself in this shell of a human being.  The rest is history.  Funny how that stuff changes us.

And one day I realized that crazy feeling wasn’t love.  It wasn’t even close.  And I was going to be ok.

I love a lot of things.  But really, I don’t even know what that means.  My mom wasn’t able to explain this one…

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