Peanut Heart Pt. III (I Need My Girl)

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You keep a lot of secrets
And I keep none
Wish I could go back
And keep some

You’re fireproof
Nothing breaks your heart
You’re fireproof
It’s just the way you are…

 

 

If there is anything I’ve learned in my 3 decades of living on this earth, it’s that SHIT HAPPENS.  It may not be fair or kind or warranted, but it happens regardless.  Our only hope is how we can grasp the situation and go with it.

I wrecked my brains out on Thursday night…5 minutes into our ride at Bent Creek.  I didn’t even make it off the social trail.  I don’t even know what happened.  It was slick and muddy…and deep.  I tried to speed up when my front wheel turned 90 degrees, and next thing I know, I’m holding my head and screaming bloody murder.  I don’t even know how long I was on the ground.  The only thing I do know is I begged the girls’ to get me up off the trail before any guys saw me.  I AM A STUBBORN ASSHOLE.  I guarantee that if I had been dying, I would have said the same thing.  “Get me outta here before anyone sees me!!”  I don’t want anyone to know how fragile I really am.

But we all know, don’t we?

I managed to make it off the trail, shower, and to dinner at Papas.  Dinner is a blur.  I don’t recall a whole lot, except how dizzy and fucked up I felt.  I didn’t want anyone to know how scared I was.  As a paramedic, I put people in full immobilization for less, and they definitely get an ambulance transport to the ER.  Well, I don’t have that kind of money, and I wasn’t dying.  I will not get in an ambulance unless I am UNCONCIOUS and cannot make decisions for MYSELF.  Stupid?  Maybe.  But I am trained, even though I cannot fully comprehend any sentences or statements…you will not call 911 for me.  Got it?  Good.

Anyway, I apparently didn’t answer questions the way my friends’ wanted me to, so I had someone drive my car.  I don’t like being coddled.  I don’t like help.  I don’t ask for help.  I am independent and strong.  I am stubborn.  I don’t need anyone.  Well, I guess I actually did need someone on Thursday, and I had a lot of someones’ to help me.  AND I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU.  I am humbled.

But I still don’t need anyone.  And I will show the world I can do all of this on my own.  I’ve made it this far with my peanut heart, and I swear to God I will make it even farther without anyone.  I don’t need help.  Do I?  How do people spend their entire life relying on others??  I don’t get it.  No one ever helped me, and I never asked for help.  And now…now help keeps coming.  How do I respond?  I keep feeling smaller and smaller.  My mom never had help.  I think she asked for it, but we failed to come to her side.  So no…I got this on my own.

I’m under the gun again.

I am good and I am grounded.  I can’t get my head around it…

Hold back.  Don’t give too much.  They get you…but don’t want to.  Shit happens.  So what do you do now?

 

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