Life can be pretty unfair sometimes. For whatever reason, shitty things happen to good people. In fact, shitty things happen to all people, good or bad. I’m beginning to realize being an adult might suck harder than being an awkward teenager. I might even go as far as saying I’d rather be in my early 20s again. Things seemed to hurt a lot less back then, which strikes me as odd. We’re supposed to be older, wiser, and stronger…right?
I think we grow up believing that once we become “adults”, things get easier. As adults, we are faced with so many challenges…many of which we don’t get a chance to face as kids. Obviously this is a blanket statement, but I’m speaking in general terms here. Adults deal with financial burdens, sick children, relationship woes, and the passing of our very own parents. Being an adult is a total mind fuck and I don’t wanna play big girl anymore.
Another part of growing up is realizing certain things about ourselves. Some of these things are good, while some are devastatingly horrible. Our lives mold us into the adults we are today, and there isn’t a whole lot that can change some of our little quirks. We are what we are. This, too, can be a blow to the head at times.
I don’t regret much in my life. The choices I’ve made, good or bad, have been made for a reason. In the midst of something good, it’s hard to rationalize letting something go that may not be in my best interest. When things are bad, I tend to reflect on those very same choices in a much different light. When things are bad, I put on my tough exterior and fight off the negativity. When things are bad, I say and do things to protect myself. When things are bad, I regret all the choices I made up until that point. So I guess I lied. I actually regret a lot of things in my life.
My tongue can be pretty sharp. When I’ve been hurt, I do my best to inflict the same pain on those who’ve hurt me. It’s a knee-jerk reaction and probably not the best course of action, but that’s me. The old saying, “You always hurt the ones you love the most”, as stupid as it sounds, is true. For whatever reason, we hurt those closest to us. When my heart is sad, I want someone to know how I feel…and I can be pretty ruthless sometimes.
Today’s race stands for recent decisions I’ve made for myself. Yes, it was impulsive. Yes, it was probably not the best decision I’ve ever had. And YES, it’s going to hurt me immensely. While signing up for this race may have been last-minute, I’ve definitely been thinking about doing it for a while.
But I was scared.
What’s been done cannot be reversed, and I have to live with the choice I made. So life goes on. And I have to race, regardless of how I feel this morning.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry today, but we all know that’s impossible. I simply feel too hard for that to happen. I hope I can muster up the courage to keep pedaling, even when I know it’s a losing battle.
I hope I can find a way to keep moving without the things I held close to me.