No Tears

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You know it’s going to be hard.  You know it’s going to hurt.  You most definitely know you will be in solitude.  In spite of your fears, you press on, and pretend you’re not scared of how bad it’s gonna hurt.  You don’t let anyone see how scared you are, ever.  That’s rule #1 of 394,298 rules.  Rule #1 is the most important.  Don’t let them know how hard this is for you.

Immediately, you find yourself alone, which is what you had planned on from the start.  It’s ok, really.  Dues must be paid, and being the new guy is a tough job.  You gotta learn rules.  You gotta learn equipment.  You gotta learn how to fight.  You gotta learn how to push yourself, because sometimes no one else will.  And sometimes…it’s all you can do to push yourself to keep going.  But the crazy thing is…you find a way.  You find a way to push through the fear…the doubt  You find a way to push through the pain and come out better than you were before. 

The really dark, lonely moments are the hardest.  You give, and give, and give.  You look up and realize the road ahead is actually getting longer.  So, how can you give more when you’ve given everything?  Well, that’s a damn good question, but you figure it out and you push andyoupushandyoupushandyoupushanditnevereververstops.  The tears feel like flowing, but you hurt so bad on the outside that it hurts so bad on the inside that you can’t show emotion on the outside.  And you’re by yourself with nothing and no one and you have to get back on your own.  But no tears.  Don’t do it.

And you can’t quit, because you know how bad that feels…and you just can’t quit.

So you don’t.

And you make it, eventually.  

Without tears. 

There’s a lot to think about when you spend 4 hours with yourself, in the middle of nowhere.  You think of all the times you felt pain.  You feel like quitting, but remember you’ve felt worse.  “Remember that time you moved across the country and he wasn’t who you thought he was?  You were alone.”  So you keep moving.  “Remember that time you had knee surgery and couldn’t play ball your senior year?  You were alone.”  A little more motivation.  “Remember that time you were in the middle of the desert and you found out she was gone?  No one was there.”  Almost home.  “Remember that time you decided to enter a race, and it took you nearly 8 hours, and your own brother didn’t think you would finish?  You did that shit on your own.”  You got this.

You survived all that.  So, why can’t you finish this?

*********************************************************

I’m really scared.  Scared it will all fall apart.  Scared that all this is for nothing.  I’m scared that I’ve wanted this for so long, and it’s here, and if it falls apart, I MIGHT FALL APART.  But I stand bold-faced and diligent.  I hold all these things in secret, but you know it and I know it and everyone knows it…because they feel it too.  It’s that shit no one talks about, but they know.  You all know.  Insecurity is a bitch.  It creates a hole, and that hole gets bigger as your doubts burn through.  So, all you can really do is keep moving.  Keep pushing. 

“So for once in my life, let me get what I want.  Lord knows it will be the first time.”– Steven Morrissey

 

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