Ceremony

I’m mostly ok by myself.  Mostly.  I have my moments of superb independence, with little snippets of being lonely and blue.  I’m doing ok, though.  I got this, really.  I have to keep reminding myself that I live a pretty decent life, in spite of my moments of heartbreak.

I need a road trip.  I need a reason to get up and leave for a while.  I need things to clear my head.  I feel like I’ve allowed so much fog to slip into my brain lately.  I need to get back to my flow…back to my reality.  Do I even know what’s real anymore?  I don’t think I do.  Can I find it?  I hope so.

This baggage I’ve been carrying around makes me tired.  I use it as fuel when I’m on my bike.  I use it as fuel when I need inspiration.  I use it as fuel when I need motivation.  It doesn’t always work that way, though.  It’s heavy.  It weighs me down.  It’s painful to hold.  It affects my current way of life.  But how do you push it aside?

I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in my career.  I’m stuck in my current way of training.  I’m stuck in my relationships, or lack of.  I just feel stuck.  I’m stuck in my own head.  My heart is stuck on my sleeve and I can’t get it off.  Why do I even care?  Why can’t I be a hard-ass?  Why do I let it all get in the way?

This is all part of life.  I know.  I will manage.  I always do.  I’m bigger and stronger than all of this.  I’m brave.  I’m resilient.  I’m gregarious.  I’m beautiful.  I’m smart.  I’m better than I give myself credit for.  I’m everything everyone wants, but everything no one wants.  This is me.

 

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