In the midst of today’s 32 mile ride in the 60 degree weather, I thought, “I’m peaceful and happy right NOW”.  Those small moments in time are what I live for.  Life is usually very difficult.  It’s sleepless, stressful and sad.  That’s the truth, at least from my perspective.  I find ways to cope and live the best I can.  Peaceful, happy moments are beautiful and rare.

Tonight I find myself in the place I always say I’ll never find myself.  “I’m never drinking again.” “I’m never eating that again.” “I will never do it again.”  Never is a long time.  The heart doesn’t give a shit how many times you say never.  It does what it wants.  My heart and my mind are never on the same team.  My head is so rational.  My heart is so insane…and she gets me into trouble every time.

I’m lucky.  I’ve been here before.  I know how to survive.  I know disappointment is temporary.  I know this is not forever.  I know this wasn’t for me.  I’ll never do this again.

I did, however, smash all the pedals on my ride today. Fuck the world.

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