I just wanted to get my training in. That’s all I wanted to do. Up until this week, I’ve been riding the ‘cross bike on the trainer, with my extra wheel. The Stevens is gone, back to its owner, and all I have is my road bike. In the midst of trying to get it set up for a trainer ride, things went amuck, and I lost my shit in a bad way. I couldn’t get anything to work correctly, and it was more than my exhausted brain could take.
By the time I got the bike upstairs, I had hit the bottom. I lost all motivation to ride and started to cry. I was angry at myself for giving up so easily and sad because I’m just so fucking tired. My job is taking away my sanity. It’s taking away my energy. Most importantly, tonight, it took away my ride. Fuck it all. I’m so overwhelmed and exhausted. I just want to stay in bed forever.
I’m still sitting in my bibs, crying, wishing I had the energy and desire to harden the fuck up. I don’t, and this makes me sad. It’s not fair. I just want to ride my goddamn bike. If I didn’t need the money so bad, I would call in sick to work. Another 24 hours on the ambulance tomorrow…likely to be up all night…again. How the fuck do these people do it? Oh yeah, because they don’t give a shit about themselves and don’t do anything that requires hard, physical work. I’m never going to get where I want to be like this. I can’t train tired.
I’m wrecked inside over a silly little training ride. Tears. Tears over a fucking bike…again. I’m so angry at myself right now, but all I can do is sit here and cry.