I’ve been so caught up in the washing machine of life, I forgot what it’s really all about. The bike. Truly. My feelings have totally ripped away my logical thought process, and I’ve been left with the memory of my teenage pipe dreams. Or should I say bike dreams? I need to get my head out of my ass and focus. FOCUS, DAMMIT!
“After all these years, I find that I’m OK by myself. And I don’t need you or your homespun philosophy.” And by myself is the only way I’m going to accomplish my goals. Ok, maybe not TOTALLY by myself. I guess I need to spend more time focused on where I’m trying to be…in terms of my career…and my bike. Less time focused on how I don’t have “a person” or special significant other. Working on this…DAILY.
After spending my saturday in bed, with a fever, I decided I would go out for a long road ride today. I didn’t feel great waking up, and even less ok as I loaded my bike on my car. I figured a few hours in the saddle would make me, or break me. So my brother and I headed out on the Buffalo/pack ride route.
The headwind was absolutely raging and I started feeling tired 30 minutes into it. I was kind of going through the motions, not really trying to set any world records or kill myself. We stopped for a pee break and noticed some other TCRC cats riding towards us. We decided to join them, and glad we did…make the wind so much easier to deal with.
I got an opportunity to work on my pack riding skills, catch up on life with a few of my lady friends and take a few pulls. It was a nice change from riding the trainer and/or riding alone. As I grabbed Jamie’s wheel I said, “I am totally comfortable on your wheel. I trust you.” Super rare moment for me on the bike. Super rare moment for me in life. Trusting others is very difficult for me.
I had a point and a direction I was heading with tonight’s blog, but my family found a way to completely break my concentration. It’s amazing how you can love someone so much, but they cause you so much pain, so much pain…you want to choke them. I don’t know how my mother did it. These people make me crazy.
Making this short and sweet…I rode hard today. Harder than I probably should have, but it was nice to pedal away some distractions. I have so many distractions lately…insomnia, work, family, men, haters. All these things have taken such a toll on my emotional state, which in turn, destroyed my physical state.
I’m working on it. That’s all I can do. I’m working on escaping this place. I’m working on loving myself more. I’m working on finding a job which will allow me proper training time. I have goals. I can’t reach those goals if my head and my heart aren’t running in the same direction. I can’t get lost anymore. No more. No more. No more.