Have you ever wanted something so bad, so terribly bad, that it breaks your heart in two? I’m not talking about someone of the opposite sex or a dream job. I’m not even talking about something material, like a car. What I’m referring to is much deeper…raw even. Have you ever worked so hard to get “somewhere” and feel you’ve failed miserably?
I finally rode my mtb for the second time since CX season started. I’ve dropped the ball on keeping up with my 3x a week mtn rides. Cross has taken over my life, but I should have been giving myself at least one day a week to train on the 29er.
Anyway, I was excited to ride with my friends, but my excitement soon turned into dry heaving…soon followed by the rush of disappointment.
Cue heartbreak now.
In my defense, I’ve been considered a “cyclist” since July of this year. I don’t even count my first road bike in 2006 nor my two sucky-ass DH seasons in California. I’ve been consistently riding since July. 5 months. You can’t even fully develop a newborn in some chick’s uterus in 5 months. Does that make me feel any better…not really.
The fire of competition in my soul is so hot it burns even me. I don’t know where I got this blessing/curse, but I can remember being so upset about losing a basketball or volleyball game in HS that it made me cry. Furious crying resembles break-up crying. Break-up crying is just ugly. It’s pretty awful to watch. Thank God no one has that shit on video.
I spent most of my mtb ride busting ass to catch up to my friends. So much ass busting that I had to pull over and dry heave. My heart rate never got above 160, which blew my mind because I felt hellaciously awful. The downhills were fun…they always are. My technical skills don’t suck so much, but my motor can’t keep up.
I’m admitting to the world that I spent the entire drive home crying my eyes out. I don’t know if it was the stress from not sleeping all week, work stress or bike stress. Most likely a combination of all three. Shit. I’m cougar-aged and a mtb ride made me cry. WTF.
I need to remember how this feels when I don’t feel like training. Sucking sucks. Heartbreak sucks. Why do you think I have been single for so long? I’ll sacrifice loneliness to save my heart from getting crushed, but I refuse to sacrifice my cycling goals for the same. I just have to press forward and let this be a building block for future endeavors. I will survive. I will overcome. I can’t be slow forever…I hope I’m right about this one.
On the bright side, I climbed a bunch of crap I’ve not been able to on previous rides. While slow, I managed to ride ’em out…no stopping…no hike-a-bike. Ok, so I had to hike my bike after the near-vomiting…whatev. 50 yards of hiking isn’t bad considering I was hiking nearly 80% of all mtb climbs in August.
My legs are trashed, my emotions are worn out and my heart is on the mend. Today was another “training ride” that I will come to appreciate when I have a cycling breakthrough. And there WILL be a breakthrough. I’ve been crushin’ pedals too hard to become a failure.
“The only failures are those too afraid to tow the line.”