If you’re a runner, you’ve had a dark moment. You can feel it creeping up…wrapping it’s cold hands around your neck. It takes your breath. It increases your heart rate. Most of all, it makes you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. She found me tonight, that bitch.
I didn’t even run today. I haven’t had time. I was lucky to get out of bed at 4:30 this morning to swim. I even logged 2000 meters…longest swim workout yet. Felt pretty good about myself too. I came home, took a shower and went to take care of a few things for my new job. Aside from the rain and cloudy sky, it was going to be a good day. After lunch, I covered my bed in books, notes and handouts…study time! This has been the same old sob story for the last 12 months. I made plans to study my ass off all day and run before dinner, but my body had other plans. I fell asleep, covered in notes, and woke up about 2 hours later. I guess I needed it. I felt like I wasted 2 hours of my day.
It’s now 9:30pm. I’m overwhelmed with things I have to do and things I didn’t get a chance to do. I hate missing workouts…opted out of my run due to time constraints. Started thinking about my upcoming triathlon and how I don’t even have a bike yet…I don’t have road shoes…how am I going to practice T1 and T2 if I don’t even have a bike? This shindig is 3 weeks away!
This manifested into, “How will I run tomorrow with an exam, class and honors convocation?” Then I thought about my 12 mile run set for Saturday AND ambulance clinicals immediately after. I took one look at my pocket calender and wondered how I would be able to work enough during the summer to build my savings back, which then moved my focus to “I really need to get out of this house and get my own place, but school has drained my bank account.” And then came the real kicker…I miss my mom.
Mom’s birthday is Sunday. This will be our second one without her. I’ve really learned how to cope, but this time of year is not easy. With graduation coming up, I find myself missing her more than ever. Even though she saw me graduate with my B.S., paramedic school is something BIG and she would have LOVED it. I think a small part of why I signed myself up for 15 months of scholastic agony was because she got sick. I couldn’t help her, but maybe I can help someone else. I wish my newly obtained knowledge could bring her back. I’d give up everything to get her back.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. I’ve watched nearly ALL of my friends get married. I’ve watched as they pop out baby after baby. I’m going to be 32 years old this November. Never married. No children. People always ask me what I’m waiting for. Hahahahaha. Such a loaded question! I’m not really waiting on anything…just a decent human being. I’m amazed at the long list of humanity rejects I’ve involved myself with. To think I almost made a few of them “forever”. To be honest, I feel like all those horrible relationships have made me into something amazing. Yeah, I’m amazing, so where is my honest-faithful-kind-intelligent man? Good question. I’m not holding my breath, because I’m certain I would become hypoxic long before Prince Charming came along. And since I brought that up…STOP READING THAT STORY TO YOUR KIDS. When your little girl grows up and realizes life isn’t a fairy tale, you’ll have some explaining to do.
Yep. My dark moment. It’s not about the running.